Narcissism: Should I Leave? Part II

Today’s post is all about the ugliness that comes from leaving a narcissistic relationship.

Jerry was the first one I left. There was no “easy way” for me to do it. I was still in love. Yet, I was exhausted. My tank had been empty for a looooooong time. No reciprocity. I was lonely, depressed, not heard, not seen. It was awful. So, I martyred myself. I ripped the bandaid off by sleeping with an ex-boyfriend. Once I did (I also lied to Jerry about it), it was over. For as much as Jerry cheated on me, it took me doing it one time to crumble his fragile ego. He couldn’t believe I would do that to him – eyeroll. I killed myself for us. So, I became worthless to his ego.

The second one, far more fantastic. Cameron was much more a textbook narcissist. He was prone to alcoholic rages and would get angry and combative often. The final straw – he drunkenly punched me in the face. Eventually, the cops got involved (they did nothing). I became even more depressed + self-harm, went to therapy, and never looked back. Ironically, Jerry was very physically supportive during this time. Emotionally not so much.

Leaving is never easy, even in a healthy relationship. We’ve made investments. Commitments. We have hopes & dreams.

The thought that aided me the most during these times: knowing I am going to die. Knowing this is my one time on this planet. Knowing that I control my life. If I am suffering in a relationship, I must choose differently. Notice all the I’s.

Per usu, please like, share, comment. This is the shit part and the most helpful for anyone who finds themselves in these circumstances.

All love.

Ashley

What Attracts Us To Narcissists?

I could talk at length about every slide here because I have borne witness to each of these facets and have fallen for almost all of them. However, I have written at length about my relational experience. So if you are interested in seeing that more fleshed out, you can read pretty much anything I have on my website.

However, concerning this post, I want to talk about ME! C ‘MON it’s narcissism!

For a massive amount of time, I felt “ashamed” regarding how long it took me to realize the role I played in my narcissistic relationships. I was so chronically focused on “rescuing and repairing” them that I did not see:
A) how unrealistic and magical thinking I was
B) the damage it was doing to me
C) that I was a contributor

I didn’t EVER think about what I was contributing to the narcissistic relationships I participated in. Not for anything, other than simply being unconscious. Some examples of what I contributed: The enabling (drug and alcohol abuse), the assertion of control (I could see what was best for them and wanted to fix/rescue/save them), the unending forgiveness (I forgave and expected change, when change inevitably didn’t happen I stayed and forgave again and again – multiple infidelities), my fear of “failure” (I couldn’t “give up” on them – everyone else seemingly had – I couldn’t fail), lack of boundaries (tons of degrading disrespect and all of the above).

These relationships were so high maintenance, and I was so focused on keeping them “alive” that I didn’t/couldn’t focus much on anything else, even my own unhappiness. When you get so caught up in someone else, like this, you forgo paying attention to recognizing your own needs, wants & desires. I began dating Jerry December of 2003. According to my journals, by April 2004, I was “looking for a therapist,” wondering “why I was with him because he lies all the time,” and felt “I cared way too much about every detail of “our life” more than my life.” Yet, I stayed. I should’ve gone to college right out of high school. I had been accepted and claimed my spot, but when it came down to school or Jerry. I chose Jerry. We spent eight years together, which didn’t spawn from full honest love from Jerry. It came out of how great of a supply I was to Jerry, my giving and trying, my blind and futile tenacity, and Jerry’s refusal to give up a great supplier.

Luckily, by the time the next one came around (right after Jerry), Cameron, the climax came quicker and had the punch ending I needed.
Every page of these journals depicts the epic highs and lows of these relationships – the cycle of abuse, the love-bombing, the gaslighting, the devaluation & of course, rejection.

Even, after all we went through and all the time that has passed, NINE YEARS, in my “Sweet Creatures” series, I still try to redeem him – to the reader and myself. I want to find that one speck of redemption, for myself, I guess, because he sure as fuck doesn’t care what I think of him. And that redemption that I am seeking, honestly, is probably just my need for validation. Validation that the relationship wasn’t a waste. But as it goes, what you desire from others, you must find within.

In no way does my participation in these relationships justify the treatment that I received. And the same goes for anyone with which this resonates. We are meant to learn and evolve, not be abused.

All love.

Ashley