Today’s post is all about the ugliness that comes from leaving a narcissistic relationship.
Jerry was the first one I left. There was no “easy way” for me to do it. I was still in love. Yet, I was exhausted. My tank had been empty for a looooooong time. No reciprocity. I was lonely, depressed, not heard, not seen. It was awful. So, I martyred myself. I ripped the bandaid off by sleeping with an ex-boyfriend. Once I did (I also lied to Jerry about it), it was over. For as much as Jerry cheated on me, it took me doing it one time to crumble his fragile ego. He couldn’t believe I would do that to him – eyeroll. I killed myself for us. So, I became worthless to his ego.
The second one, far more fantastic. Cameron was much more a textbook narcissist. He was prone to alcoholic rages and would get angry and combative often. The final straw – he drunkenly punched me in the face. Eventually, the cops got involved (they did nothing). I became even more depressed + self-harm, went to therapy, and never looked back. Ironically, Jerry was very physically supportive during this time. Emotionally not so much.
Leaving is never easy, even in a healthy relationship. We’ve made investments. Commitments. We have hopes & dreams.
The thought that aided me the most during these times: knowing I am going to die. Knowing this is my one time on this planet. Knowing that I control my life. If I am suffering in a relationship, I must choose differently. Notice all the I’s.
Per usu, please like, share, comment. This is the shit part and the most helpful for anyone who finds themselves in these circumstances.
If you stay. WOW!
It’s literally the worst.
What I can say is to choose or have to stay in a relationship (children, financial reasons, religion, etc.) like this takes a lot of fucking balls. A lot. It’s not a “relationship” for the faint of heart. Quite frankly, it isn’t a real relationship. It’s a relationship of one, and you just get to participate.
On top of all of this shit mountain, some people choose to have children with a narcissist. And we know that having a narcissistic parent lends to a child becoming narcissistic. We know that the non-narcissistic parent usually has to do all the parenting ALONE. Among the many other everyday worries you have as a parent, the parent in the narcissistic relationship may have concerns about finances (money disappearing), drug & alcohol abuse, infidelity. Add to that the stress, anxiety, self-doubt, etc. that comes from the massive amounts of gaslighting. It’s a fucking roller coaster, and it’s zero fun.
For some, it’s not a choice to stay. For some, it is. Either way, no judgment. Next week will be Part II, and we’ll discuss tools to help you if you stay.
I have vacillated back and forth on what to share about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. I have shared a lot on my relational experiences (on my website) that encompass what it was like for me to be in such a relationship. It down right blows to be in this type of relationship. It’s dark, lonely, anxiety ridden, unsafe, confusing, painful and sometimes physically painful. It’s difficult to confide in friends or family because just like you, they may not possess the tools to hold space and bear witness to what you are going through. It isn’t easy to “just leave.” It’s quite complicated and that’s without adding in financial components, housing, children or other enmeshments.
If any of what I have been sharing, resonates, I highly recommend finding a therapist or psychotherapist, who specializes or understands NPD, to speak with. I wish I would’ve had these tools and knowledge to have a better direction to go then just through it, over and over again.